We stop ourselves, critique and start over. Stop doing that by starting to say “yes” to yourself. On stage, every word matters, but if we let every word matter so much we stop and give ourselves a “do-over” EVERY TIME- we end up never getting the momentum that matters. Also, in this episode we get a caller who’s stuck between an idea for something new and the overwhelm of picking a starting point. You can call the show and drop your question about a big challenge you’re having and we’ll workshop it on the show so YOU can get moving. 341-333-2997 for email us at hello@diabondi.com
Do you tend to stop what you are doing? Over critique yourself? Then scrap it all and just start over. Stop doing that by starting to say “yes” to yourself!
On stage, every word matters, but if we let every word matter so much that we stop and allow ourselves a “do-over” EVERY TIME--we end up never getting the momentum you need.
In this episode, we will talk all about this crazy cycle! Plus, we’ll talk to a caller who’s also stuck between an idea for something new and the overwhelm of picking a starting point.
Her question went something like this: “I want to start something new, and every time I sit down to plan, I get so many ideas I just get overwhelmed and do nothing at all. HELP!”
Sound familiar?
Well, stop the madness and listen to this episode now! It may just change your life!
FYI: You can also call the show and drop your question about a big challenge you’re having, and we’ll work it in the show so that YOU can get moving. Call 341-333-2997 or email us at hello@diabondi.com
Unknown Speaker 0:03
So where do you put the emphasis on what syllable matters? How do you write a song is different than how do you write a song? Right? How do you build a business is a different question than how do you build your business?
Unknown Speaker 0:38
Hello, everyone, welcome to the Dr. Bondi show of big, huge, ginormous grand podcast for women with goals. I'm Dr. Bondi, and I'm on a mission to help women ask for more and get it, research their dreams and have a blast doing it. We are here today with my honor. bestie Arthur Leon Adams, the third. Hi, Arthur. Hey, all right, honor besties I feel like that we could get t-shirts that say bestie or just on air bestie. I think that's like, that's super specific. Not that we're not besties in other ways, but like, this is a very specific way. We're besties Yeah. On our bestie on eBay, on our Bay.
Unknown Speaker 1:15
so ridiculous. Yeah. So yeah. Hi. Nice to see you. Hi. Good to see you. What's going on today? So many things. Yeah, this is like it's kind of it was rainy yesterday and cold. And then today, it was sunny and bright and beautiful. And I, in fact, jumped rope on the first end of the day, right there in my Park, I ran up to the park behind my house and jump rope for 20 minutes. And, and it got ready for today because I want to talk like something that's been on my mind is this idea of saying yes to ourselves. Okay. Yeah. So I'm working with a client right now a one on one coaching client and communications. He's a leader of a startup that's disrupting an industry that needs disrupting. And he's absolutely wonderful. I mean, I don't work a lot with
Unknown Speaker 2:05
with a one on one in this way, I take on sort of ongoing clients, maybe two or three at a time. And he is just, we're halfway through and aren't engaged in our engagement. And we're working on helping him be really powerful in front of the audiences that matter to his leadership and to his business so that he and his teams can be successful. And he's super hard on himself,
Unknown Speaker 2:32
like, super hard on himself. And he does this thing, where, when he's halfway through telling a story or three sentences into telling the story, if he doesn't like what he heard, he'll stop himself, grimace, and exhale, and go back. And you can see the gears turning in his head to try to find the quote, unquote, perfect thing to say, the right thing to say. And on the spot, we created, what in my coaching world, you'd call an intervention to help him keep going. And the intervention was Hey, so let's do it. Again, let's take it from the top. And as you go through this, say yes to yourself,
Unknown Speaker 3:19
everything that comes out of your mouth,
Unknown Speaker 3:23
let it stand and say yes to it, and make it work, find a way to make it work. agree with it, accept it, basically just say yes.
Unknown Speaker 3:37
So we took it from the top again, and we've been working sort of with this framing, and it is creating so much progress and smoothness and command in the moments when we can accept what happens when we can say yes to ourselves, the words that come out of our mouths, the ideas that we have, and not react to how imperfect it is and stop ourselves and and constantly put ourselves in a state of do over instead of building on what happens. It can be so much there can be so much relief in it and insight and like recognition that there are multiple paths to expressing one idea. There are multiple paths to bringing to fruition a particular goal or a dream or a you know, an achievement or
Unknown Speaker 4:31
you know, something on your bucket list. There are multiple paths.
Unknown Speaker 4:36
And I just I love this idea of like,
Unknown Speaker 4:40
when we say yes to ourselves, how do we actually end up paving a path forward for us for ourselves? That's what's been on my mind. It's super simple, but really powerful and even for me, like where can i say yes to myself more often? Where can I say yes to my ideas? Now, it i'm not saying you say yes to everything. You know, we have to say no to some
Unknown Speaker 5:00
So we can sit, we can make room to say yes to one thing, but just the notion of not being not stopping ourselves constantly because of our critical voice because of the thing that says like, Oh, I didn't say that. Right. Or I didn't do that right or. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole, you know, perfect is the enemy of good things. 100%. I mean, sometimes I think that that phrase can come off as a little flippant, but it's like, perfect is the enemy of like, really? Excellent. Yes, I think that's, I think that's really fair that like we can, this also doesn't mean that we're settling for garbage that comes out of our know is just, it's about movement, and traction. And, and being a little bit in flow with what happens and recognizing that, you know, one of the core things I really believe is that action reveals a lot. And when we get into action, we get into motion or with this client, for example, if he says something one way, we can discover what works about it and do more of that, instead of just erasing it trying to pretend it didn't happen. Getting into sort of a self critical mode and stopping ourselves constantly. Right? So yeah, it doesn't it doesn't mean that we also can't pursue excellence. It's just I mean, even this podcast, what is it? We're recording? Episode Seven? Yeah. And I have said, I think I said in an earlier episode, I've said to all my friends and colleagues, I think I've talked to you about this, that the only way we're going to get as good as we're going to be on episode 78 is to do 77 episodes before that. Oh, yeah. We have to actually say yes. And just keep going. And in our acceptance, that they will be all imperfect, we're actually going to make our way towards excellence. Yeah, totally. Perfect imperfection. Yeah, exactly.
Unknown Speaker 6:52
That's what's been on my mind this week, it's been on my mind, because it's so simple, and so powerful. And I'm actually seeing it kind of unfold in front of my own eyes with this client. What's so interesting to me about all of this leadership communications work I've done over the years, is it stepping on stage is such a, it's like this hyper compressed scenario, where the things that play out over the court, where it's like a metaphor, or like a compressed experience of what happens, you know, in our lives over an 18 month period, or a 20, or five year period, you know, this thing, we get to work on all this stuff, in preparation for and then delivery of 12 minutes on stage, saying yes to ourselves, you know, tolerating our own power in front of an audience, you know, finding ways to identify, like, really clearly what, what idea is it that I'm trying to, I'm trying to share with the world here, what is my role on stage, in this moment, that is a concentrated version of my role in the world, I just, it's so it's such a wonderful way to take like our whole lives and compress it into this teeny tiny moment, I think about that for auctioneering as well, like, you know, over the course of our careers, were asking and getting things were in a, you know, in a generosity exchange with folks around, you know, helping one another get somewhere we're making decisions and making moves, we're building relationships. And those play out over, you know, for some of us over 10 years to get to some sort of goal that we might have. But in auctioneering, I end up doing this, like, relationship, purpose based negotiation, you know, for fundraising auctioneering in like, two and a half minutes, I mean, an auction auctioneering one item will take anywhere from, you know, two to five minutes, hopefully more like two, and the amount of stuff that's playing out in that two to five minutes, you can almost just like, stretch out and lay over something that feels more like in real time, over the course of you know, 18 months in our in our lives, building a relationship with somebody, you know, aligning and, and having affinity and then being able to have an exchange with one another and see what delights them and see what delights you and then having a serious moment and maybe sometimes getting confused and then making an ask that, you know, you don't get a response to and then adjusting and it's just like this whole weird, super compressed life moment, or life period compressed into a moment. I've said that like 900 times, but like, I love these, I love working on things that are a snapshot of so many other things that make me crazy. No, no, it's, it's cool. It's like, it's, it makes me think of quantum theory and stuff like that, you know, like the small things containing multitudes, you know? Yes, that's exactly what it feels like for me. So yeah, when we say when when you are standing in front of an audience, and it's high stakes and everyone's listening, and you say something that could easily say
Unknown Speaker 10:00
That's the wrong thing. If you just instead accept it and make it work, weave it into what's next, you're going to find that you have so much more control and command than you do if you try to make it perfect and go back, and that can be expanded across so many other points in our lives.
Unknown Speaker 10:18
Also, today, we have a comment from a listener, she called in and left us a little message on our voicemail, which you can call at 341-333-2997 if you have a question or a comment or anything you'd like to say about the show, so here it is. Hey, Dia, this is Tara. I just really listened to your podcast again. And I was so excited when I realized I've been using your five pillars and asking for more and getting it. So I've been consulting for several months for clients of mine. And last week, they asked me, “What would it take for you to join us full time?'' So I drafted a slide last night that outlined everything I would need to make that week. And today, when I relooked at that slide, having listened to your podcast, I realized I literally hit all five pillars and asking for more in my list, and I didn't realize that I was channeling my energy until I put it together this morning. So thank you so much for embedding those principles in me on such a deep level.
Unknown Speaker 11:23
Yeah, so you know, channeling your energy. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 11:29
That's so funny. And so awesome. You know, I don't actually know, I'm not sure that those pillars came from me, you know, those principles, you know, are something that were quote unquote, embedded is that the word she used, but these, it's more like, I mean, yay, thank you so much for calling it number one. Number two, congratulations. And number three, you know, I love that you're noticing that and these five pillars are not something that necessarily I created. It's what after launching project ask like an auctioneer, I noticed that all of the asks we can make and and being strategic and how we asked for what we need to, you know, say yes to something or to resource, our goals do fall into these five categories. It's sort of like whether I like it or not. And for those of you who hadn't heard those before, these five categories are five pillars, as she called them, which I love are about money. They're about authority, like what decisions do we get to own and, and they are about influence. And they are about
Unknown Speaker 12:37
balance. And this is about bringing into balance our inner selves with our external selves. And it could be in the shape of how we work, how we spend our time, what we work on. And then last, is fun, like, you know, that one sort of comes and goes. But the underpinning of all this is I've heard from women that like I want to change, and I need to ask for something that isn't supportive, having more fun in my life and in my work in my infant can can come in the form of engagement, you know that that feeling like you're really connected to what you're doing, that you're awake with it. So I love it, that she's noticing the very thing she's noticing in her own negotiation, the very thing that I've been noticing over the last 18 months talking to hundreds of women about the kinds of critical asks they make in their careers and in their businesses. So yeah, I love that. Thanks so much for calling and reflecting that back to us. Yeah, thanks so much for calling in. And like I said before, if you want to call in, you want to tell us a story about how you channeled your inner dia.
Unknown Speaker 13:36
You can call us at 341-333-2997. Or you can email us at Hello at dia bondy.com. And if you really liked the podcast, you can subscribe to it. You can rate it you can write reviews, and you know, share it with your friends and it can really help this show reach other people. That's right. We love our champions.
Unknown Speaker 14:00
Okay, today we also have a question from a listener. And it's a really interesting question, I think that you'll have a lot to say about it. I always get so nervous. I always get so nervous when we have when we have a caller question. Yeah, yeah. But you answer questions from people all the time. Yeah, I know. But it's always. It's always like maybe this is the one that I got nothing to say about it. Maybe in 20 years. That is rare, but it's still like, Oh, all right, here it is. Hello, I found you through one of your creative life courses. And I was so stoked to find your podcast. I am a learning and development professional working in corporate. And for years, I've been wanting to strike out on my own and build a business around health and wellness for women. But I keep getting stuck. One idea leads to another and pretty soon it's so big and unwieldy that I just do nothing and want to ask for help. But I don't even know where to start.
Unknown Speaker 14:55
Oh yeah, I know what that's like. Yeah. What was the part that's sticking out for you? I mean,
Unknown Speaker 15:00
You know, coming up with lots of strategies and ideas for things you want to do, and then it just grows and grows and grows and grows. And then you're like, I'm just gonna sit on the couch.
Unknown Speaker 15:09
worse. Yeah. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 15:13
Yeah. So a couple things that stand out for me on this one. One is like, okay, I want to ask for help. And I don't even know where to start. That's awesome. And that's totally a thing. Because, you know, when I talk about helping women ask for more and get it, it's, again, not just about those, those ordained and recognizable negotiation moments, it's totally about using asking as a success strategy, how can I ask for help? And if I am asking for help, what am I asking for help with? And who am I asking? So that's one. The other thing that's interesting is this idea of like, yes, one idea leads to another to another to another, and that now you're crushed under the weight of all these fantastic ideas. And that can be so that in the moment, you know, at moments can feel fun and fruitful, it can end up being sort of crushing. And it's interesting that this call is happening. The same week that I'm sitting with this question of like, how do we say yes to ourselves and sort of make things work to keep ourselves in motion? Because I think there's a lot of power in not figuring out what the right thing is to do here. But to say, Have her say yes to something. Okay. That is that is tied to some clarity around what impact she really wants to have and who she's actually serving? So, I guess those are the three, those are the three things I'd like to touch on in this question. The first feels like, okay, when you say health and wellness, or growing a business and health and wellness, what specifically do you mean? Are you talking about movement? Are you talking about mental health? Are you talking like, what is the content area? So? So I would say pick one, and it doesn't have to be the right one, it has to be one that you can say yes to enough to start to experiment with number one. inside of this first bit, we also want to understand who specifically Are you serving, and it's not just about like, a, you know, an age group, but it might be a stage group, you know, it could be a whole group of women who are ranging, you know, in age, but all share that they're coming out of loss, you know, or they're coming, they're heading into a big transition in their life, or they're moving back into the workforce after having kids or, you know, it could be about age as much as it can be about stage in their lives. So that's so what is it? What's the, what's the target area? And then what is the audience profile that you really want to be serving, obviously, so getting really clear on those two things, and not having it be the the decision that you make be the last decision you make, it's just a decision, a choice you're going to make, just like on stage, in my earlier example, with my client, it's not the last time he's going to be on stage saying a thing this is you just making a choice in this moment, and saying yes, to what to his choice and making it work. So that's the first thing to get clear on the content area, and that you want to experiment with, reframe it as an experiment, not decide and never change, and to Who do you really want to serve? And then I think there's, there's this second piece, which is, of all the ideas similar thing of all the ideas or the retreats, are they you know, is an online course, is it products is like, what are the things I would want to understand which one is the most, which one is the one that feels the most resonant? A few episodes ago, I talked a little bit about how do you identify a goal that might matter to you, and we're not always looking for, you know, perfect or right, what we're looking for is resonant, because and especially when you think about growth, you know, if you're gonna write a book, if you're gonna, you know, start a side hustle, if you're gonna leave your corporate job and go start a new business, it's got to be resonant enough for you, for you to be able to move through the hard parts. So if you've got 10 ideas, they are all legit, I would then look at which of those top ideas which of those ideas sort of float to the top as the most resonant, the ones that have the most highest frequency for you. And then take maybe two or three of those and start to get into movement without deciding that it's going to be the last thing you'll ever do.
Unknown Speaker 19:18
Just get into movement, with knowing that it's not going to be the last thing and fact what it may end up becoming is very different than what it looks like right now. And to hold that sort of loose, I would say like firmly and loosely at the same time, right? Like you have it, it has a you have you can hold it with some sub solidness you know, with big cupped hands, but you're not gripping it so tightly that it doesn't have room to breathe a little bit. Like a little baby chick, like a little baby chick. Exactly. So, so. Okay, so first idea, get clear with like, what the content is its most recent
Unknown Speaker 20:00
For you, and who you really want to serve, both in terms of, you know, their profile could be an age but also in stage, what they're grappling with. And then of all the ideas, the ways you can deliver that, what is the most resonant? And then to grapple with the question of like, how do I ask for help? What do I actually ask for? I just want to say that like, being alone with this stuff is really hard.
Unknown Speaker 20:24
It's, it's really hard to be alone with ideas that you love, that you're not sure the world will love to. I mean, when I launched project ask like an auctioneer, I was like, What is this thing? And I, you know, and I, I felt pretty alone with it for a couple of weeks. And the moment that I said it out loud in a room and got 12 women stand up, walk across the room, and come tell me what a cool idea it was, and other ideas, ways that I could, who I could bring it to, and where I could experiment with it, all of a sudden, it became that baby chick, it wasn't me. You know, it was like, wow, this is an idea outside of myself. That other that is resonant for other women, let's see where I can start to get it, put, put some legs underneath it. So for you color, you know, as you think about
Unknown Speaker 21:15
as you think about the asks, what you could do to ask for help, there are women that are the profile of the woman that you want to serve, that are that are, you know, have a relationship with the content that you want to serve them with? Meaning, you know, is it movement or mental health stuff? Is it you know, is it content is it experiences blah, blah, blah.
Unknown Speaker 21:42
gather those women in a room. One ask you could make for help is to gather those women in a room virtual otherwise, share with them what you're up to, and find out what is the most attractive, resonant for those women that you will serve and see if you can find yourself a pilot group of women who say yes to what you're trying to do in the world, will help you refine and understand more deeply, which one is right for them, but also right for you, because it has to serve both of you so you can stay engaged and push through those hard parts of building something new. So when we think about asking for more, and getting it maybe in this case, this is asking for more balance, meaning and influence as well. But bringing into balance your own internal stories, and ideas about what will be what will work, what will serve what will have the impact that you want. Bringing that internal story you have into balance with how the world might see and feel about it, the stories that the world might tell about it. And the world could be 12 women in the living room doing a small focus group. So when we can not be alone with these things, and connect our inner stories with the outer reality, I think that can also be really both courage making, it can also be very refining. You can refine your ideas and find out what specifically about a specific idea is,
Unknown Speaker 23:17
is resonant and real for people that has legs. So that your little chick that you have holding in, you know, in that that firm firmly cupped but loosely, you know, Speight loosely held chicken, your hand can start to can start to like walk on its own a little bit, knowing that it might not be the only check that you ever have. So I think those are my three, those are my three sort of coaching buckets, as you think about how to get into motion, and how to get out from underneath that crushingly large set of great ideas that can drive you to just staying on your couch, just pick one and get into motion. You know, I think I don't know if I thought it earlier if I already said it in this episode. But I do believe that action reveals a lot. Getting into action reveals to us a lot about what works, what's working and what's not working, we just have to be willing to make one action. And notice what the response is. And in this case, the action might be
Unknown Speaker 24:20
exactly inviting women into your reality, testing with them, which ideas are most resonant so that you can get out of your head and into the world. And so that you can bring into balance the internal stories you're telling about what's what's the right idea or not, and what the world actually is interested in, and, and that might dislodge you a little bit. What's funny about this is that while you're picking something which feels like it's raises the stakes, we're also lowering the stakes by not making it the last decision you'll ever make by making it an experiment, not a decision and one experiment and an outcome from that experiment will lead to another will lead to another and lead to another
Unknown Speaker 25:00
Pretty soon, you're gonna have something that isn't just a baby chick anymore, but maybe something that can actually fly.
Unknown Speaker 25:14
The whole thing about, you know, the idea or the decision not being like the one. This is the decision. And the idea that I'm that this is it. This is the last idea. This is the last decision. That's really eye opening for me. Because, yeah, you do get really, really mired in, like, you get all these ideas. And you're like, Well, which one is the right idea? Which one should I do first? Which one? And it's like, well just do one of them? Yes. I mean, do you find you write songs? Yes, you're a musician. And you write a lot of different kinds of music. And you dabble and enjoy a lot of different kinds of music. When you sit down to write a song. I mean, do you decide what it's going to be? And then force it into that? Or do you experiment, you have an idea, a notion, and then you play with it until it emerges into and takes the shape of the thing that needs to be right. Well, I could go on and on about this. But this topic I'm endlessly fascinated with about the songwriting process of other songwriters. But I will say that I have been in bands before that had a very specific and narrow thing that we wrote songs about, and we sang about. And so that was always a box that, you know, to write songs about. But then when I'm just writing whatever I want, you know, it can be anything. It's still like this color from today. She's like, boom, health and wellness. It's specifically like she put, she's like, there's a box that I'm operating in. But even inside of that box, you know, there's this sort of idea of freedom inside of a framework, right, or creativity that requires some constraints. So you do have some, you do put it in a box, and then you go like, Okay, I'm going to pick an idea. I'm going to pick a riff, I don't know how this works in songwriting. And then and then I'm gonna I have I have a, you don't just start with nothing. You start with something right? Don't you? And you? And do you do you have to hold I mean, like her. And like, even you know, the thing that we're doing right now with the podcast is like, we know what it is, we're making it and also letting us notice what's working and what's not. And then constantly sort of letting it grow into what it needs to be. So that is excellent. Like, we talked about the beginning of the podcast, but also, but also saying yes to what's happening so that it can emerge, we can let it emerge, and then just say yes, and no to the things that aren't working or are working until it is what it needs to be. Yeah, totally. And you know, you having guardrails, of some kind for your project, like, you know, you have a genre, or genres that your band plays, and you have certain things that you maybe sing about, or you don't sing about, and in certain instrumentation and all these things, but really, when it comes down to I mean, I sit down at the piano, and I just start playing music. And it turns into something right, you know, just spontaneously, so it's a little well, as well, it's sort of like, the, the color today talking about, you know, she does have that box, and she's saying I'm going to make something in this territory. She's picked her genre, right? Yeah. And she's got to figure out like, is this gonna be? What, what does it need to be that's going to make it, you know, my audiences come alive with it. For the people that she knows, like that kind of, you know, are interested in stuff in that box. Right, right. And what we talked about a few episodes ago around identifying your goals, that's that exercise. Neither of these are better or worse. But that exercise about you know, sort of brainstorming all of the things that are interesting to you, and then looking and seeing what's most resonant. I imagine that's like, what happens at the piano, you just start putting things on the board, you start playing the piano and find what's most resonant what you want to follow now. Yeah, yes, absolutely. Use this is how it works for me. Some people write the lyrics first. Some people do it all at once, some people you know, there's all different ways. But yeah, you I start, I sit down and I start playing some chords or some notes, and I just follow that. Now sometimes I sit down at the piano and it's like, what's a key? I haven't written the song in an interesting, yet. We're gonna there's gonna be an episode in our future where I want to talk about not like,
Unknown Speaker 29:32
I have a lot of clients, who will say to me, like, what do I do? How do I fill in the blank? How do I prepare for a presentation? What is how I rehearse what's the right way to do it? And my answer always is not like here's the right way to do it. My answer is, I don't know. Let's find out how you do it. Right. And that's what we invest in is discovering how we do it. And that takes going back to the caller today again, takes
Unknown Speaker 30:00
experimentation, a willingness to experiment. Yeah. And and, and honestly now, you know, in the last couple years, my wife and I have been writing songs together. And that's a whole different thing. And I've learned new ways to do it. And I've done things that I never did before. Like, take a full set of lyrics and write music for it. Yeah, I like my recap for this cause I know they're supposed to be recapping right now. And we're like, all of a sudden talking about the other stuff, but it's all tied because this is this question of like, how do I get some how do I birth something? How do I make something in the world that is something that is doing what I want it to do, having the impact I want it to even if it doesn't take the form that I expected. I wonder if there's a piece of this where we don't have to ask what am I supposed to do but asked like, yes, how do I do it? Here's what's working for me right now. It's something that I do think about a lot and I've talked about a lot but it's so so it's such a morphus, like, heady thing to even really get into, you know, like, how do you write a song? I don't know. No, I mean, is it though? I mean, the question, so where do you put the emphasis on what syllable matters? How do you write a song is different from how you write a song? Right? How do I build a bit like how do you build a business is a different question than how do you build your business? So that's just um yeah, and there can be many answers. 100% Well, great. I love talking about this stuff with you and with you and with you listeners, all you. It's super thought provoking and I'm going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day. Love it. And you know, you have me on the back channel. So if you ever want to talk about songwriting, with somebody who knows nothing about it, but is also really curious how you do it, how do you do it? Sure, and wants to hear about it. I'm happy to give it up with you all day long about it. All right, let's do it.
Unknown Speaker 31:56
The Dia Bondi show is a production of Dia Bondi Communications and is produced by babY A. Please like, share, rate, and subscribe at Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you get your favorite podcast. Do you have a question for Dia about an important ask in your life? Give us a call at 341-333-2997 and maybe you'll hear your question answered on a future episode.